At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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