didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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