Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
is it fun? or sober?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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