remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Sorry my hands just texted you
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
