Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
