I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Come see our sink grown plant.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
