I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
