I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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