Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize