Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
