dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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