Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
