he puts the penis in happiness.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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