i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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