chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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