Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Randomize
