the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
