My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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