apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
