Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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