You can't special order awesome
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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