Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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