So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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