You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
