you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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