Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
