Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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