It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
