Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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