I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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