Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he wants to bone in the snuggie
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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