let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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