yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
