i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
