You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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