Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
