Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize