We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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