so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
