hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
