Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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