I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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