We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
