you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I did not marry a roomba.
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