I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
