I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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