I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
