Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
