I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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