I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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