Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize