Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Two words: blizzard sex
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
