I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
