I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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