Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
