I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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