My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
