I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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