Old men and throwing up are my life now.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
